I noticed I have several old posts drafted I meant to add pictures to and finish posting later but never did. I will have to go back and fix those soon.
Yesterday pregnancy anxiety raised up and grabbed hold for several hours. Max had a field trip with an usual drop off– instead of at school I was dropping him off at the water taxi, a small local ferry that goes across the Sound to downtown, where his class would be going to the aquarium. I was also feeling emotional because it was the last day of his teacher, who is moving on to another job. She has been a truly amazing gift to our family– she gets kids, gets MY kid, in a way that is rare and special and she really helped a lot with helping him adapt and grow at preschool. We will miss her a lot. On top of that, there was no where to park at the taxi place, which shares a tiny parking lot with a restaurant. I parked in a loading zone, leaving Mars in the car, and went to walk Max maybe 30 feet to his teacher, when a staff person at the restaurant started yelling at me that I couldn’t park there. It was loud and hectic and I decided to let Max run the last ten feet down the sidewalk to his teacher and classmates and go back to the car. As I was pulling out I realized I should have walked him all the way to his teacher so I could sign the sign-in sheet. For the rest of the morning I had this horrible and irrational feeling that somehow he might be lost or unsafe because I didn’t sign that sheet, which I logically knew was silly since I had seen him arrive safely with his group, but pregnancy hormones do not care about logic. Was very relieved when I picked up him later, of course safe and sound, a few hours later.
While Max was on his field trip, Mars and I went to the beach for a bit before it got hot, where he gamely and adorably posed while I took pictures, and then went home for a snack before his dentist appointment (where I unwisely let him eat a chocolate protein bar, and then he arrived at the dentist with chocolate covered teeth. Note to self: this is why your own mom always made you brush your teeth before going to the dentist). He did ok, better than last time when he wouldn’t even open his mouth, but was still too scared of the tools to let them actually do much.
People keep (well meaning, but rudely) telling me I look very pregnant. I also FEEL very pregnant, and am feeling overwhelmed by another 15+ weeks of discomfort and pain. I know some people who just loooooove being pregnant but I am not one. My back hurts, I have indigestion, even as I have finally shaken most of my nausea most food doesn’t sound appealing.
I also feel vaguely sad most of the time. Not a deep depression generally just a general discontent I can’t shake. On the one hand, it is a lot- a pregnancy I didn’t expect, loss of control of my body, my life, my energy. Then I feel guilty for not feeling more grateful– I have a lot to be thankful for. I was listening to a podcast about refugees trapped in Greece and was especially struck by a story about a woman who has a heart condition, was advised not to get pregnant for at least two years, but accidentally did and now is trapped in a country with spotty access to medical care where she doesn’t speak the language. So yeah, could be a heck of a lot worse.
I’ve had my own drama though– due to an autoimmune condition I was diagnosed with last Fall, I have had to have a lot of extra monitoring of my pregnancy. While each of my boys had the standard two (maybe three?) ultrasounds, this baby has already had seven and I will have at least two more. Fortunately everything has been normal and healthy thus far. All of my appointments are North of Seattle and I live South– I seem to spend at least one day a week sitting in traffic for quite awhile going to and from. Last night I unfortunately finished with one at 4pm putting me into the heart of rush hour to get home, though at least M was home with the kids. I often schedule appointments for when they are at school and then find myself worried I won’t get back in time for pick up.
We have had an unusually cool Summer (though this weekend is back to a more normal upper 80s) and I can’t say I have been sad about it. After the past two years of extra hot weather that lasted extra long I am not sorry to have a reprieve while pregnant. My I facebook reminder tells me that when I was pregnant with Max we had a similarly cool Summer. I love early Fall– it is my favorite, so having extra Fall like weather is a treat.